Last night I dreamed that I got rid of my mother's wheelchair.

The wheelchair had been sitting in the garage after my mother died (though in the dream, I'm not sure whether she had actually died.)

I had to take some kind of trip (possibly with my father, though the memory is unclear). I couldn't walk for some reason, and I decided to smuggle the wheelchair aboard the plane.

I brought the wheelchair along. It didn't seem to do me a lot of good. Although in the dream I seemed largely dependent on it, looking back from a waking state I seemed to be dragging it around rather than anything else.

I decided to just leave the wheelchair by the road. The sense of physical freedom was incredible. Then I woke up.

The real-life stuff:

My mother died about 25 years ago, my father about 15 years ago. For most of the time that I knew her, my mother was either in a wheelchair or wearing braces. She also had fairly severe scarring on her hands and face.

Right now, I'm 8 years younger than my mother was when she died. There's no particular reason why I shouldn't live to be 80, but occasionally I do feel there's a clock ticking and I may not have that much time left. I tell myself I'm comfortable with that, but I'm not sure that's true.

For the past weeks, I've had problems with my left elbow and shoulder. According to the doctor it was nothing as severe as carpal tunnel syndrome, but nevertheless at times the pain was so bad I could hardly sit or walk. During the last one or two weeks I've been slowly recovering, and the relief of being able to move around without pain is incredible.

I don't deal well with illness or physical discomfort: somehow on a subconcious level there's a deep-rooted conviction that anything that's wrong with me is going to remain so forever, and I will never be allright again.

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